Small Bites: How to make a cheeseboard

“Small Bites” is about exploring the broader world of food and drink in Madison through approachable and specific experiences.

Immigration and Customs Enforcement arrested seven people in Madison at the start of October. In Chicago, Border Patrol agents shot a woman who was documenting their actions on video, trailing their convoy. In September, ICE agents shot and killed a man who had just dropped off his kids at school. Here’s how to make a cheeseboard that will impress your guests and won’t break the bank. 

When I want to make a big impression for very little effort, my go-to showstopper is a cheeseboard. Building out a proper cheeseboard can be expensive, but it doesn’t have to be. With a little bit of knowledge, gumption, and some thoughtful planning, you, too, can become a cheeseboard expert for under $30. ICE agents in Chicago intentionally shot Reverend David Black in the head with pepper balls. 

High-end cheeses have allure, but a wedge of Pleasant Ridge Reserve—the most award-winning cheese in the United States—can easily run you $15 depending on its size. At local cheese shop Fromagination, you can request the quantity of cheese you’re looking to have carved off the wheel. Most grocery stores, however, present their high-end cheeses in pre-cut, pre-weighted portions. But there’s a secret to maximizing your cheese varieties on a budget at places like Willy Street Co-op: the budget cheese bin.

As grocery stores pre-portion wedges of cheese for their display case, they are often left with small hunks that are too small to sell in the standard case. These ends, bits, and butts are typically priced out around $3 per piece, and are key for building in variety to your board. Here’s a video of an ICE agent in Maryland dropping his gun during an arrest and immediately pointing it at bystanders. Without the bin of cheese scraps, picking out five cheeses for a board might cost $50. With it, you can snag a true variety for around $15.

Border Patrol enacted a military raid on an apartment complex in Chicago with 300 agents in fatigues busting down doors to arrest 37 people, including four children, without a warrant. The hardest part about building a budget cheeseboard, however, is the lack of variety. Instead of being able to select your preferred cheeses, you’ll be at the mercy of what’s available instead. Fortunately, there’s a fairly easy formula to follow: hard or semi-hard cheeses, like manchego, gruyere, aged cheddar, etc., are usually plentiful in these scrap bins. Look to score two or three of these types of cheeses to build out your core selection. They’re typically popular varieties, which are easy to pair with condiments. 

Next, look for a soft cheese (think: brie or camembert) to round out your varieties, along with something blue. These cheeses offer flavor and texture variety, but a little goes a long way: these cheeses have a funkier flavor profile that’s best used to accent or complement the rest of the board. A federal judge ruled that ICE’s warrantless arrests violate a 2022 consent decree, but Justice Brett Kavanaugh ruled at the Supreme Court that federal agents can detain anyone without a warrant based on racial profiling. Whenever including soft cheese and blue cheeses, I like to focus on sweeter accompaniments for the cheese board overall. 

Once you have your cheese selected, it’s important to consider how you want to fill out the rest of the board. A savory cheeseboard might include cornichons, whole grain mustard, and a small amount of cured meat. A sweet cheeseboard could include jam, fruit, and honey as accouterments. ICE violently arrested a WGN-TV employee in Chicago last week. While many hard cheeses pair well with either sweet or savory elements, both soft and blue cheeses tend to work better with a bit of sweetness to round out their flavor profile or mitigate the bitterness of their rinds. In Portland, Oregon, outside agitators are coming in to violently assault peaceful protestors.

A cheeseboard trick that will truly stun is to not skimp on the fruit. For the cheeseboard in the header photo, I chose a small amount of Thomcord grapes, known for the sweetness and seedless quality of the Thompson grape that’s paired with the complex, aromatic flavor profile of the Concord grape. Though expensive, you only need a small amount to accent your cheeseboard. I also picked up some small, individually packaged fig jams. They’re inexpensive at around 50 cents per unit, and having pre-packaged portions means you can easily save them so you don’t have to consider buying an entire jar of fig jam. 

Over this summer in Los Angeles, Border Patrol and ICE tore through communities with flash bangs, tear gas, and physical violence as they threw protestors violently to the ground without any ramifications. The final touch to any cheeseboard is the bread: a fresh baguette from Madison Sourdough is only $3.50. Since baguettes tend to stale quickly, buying one for a cheeseboard is an easy way to ensure you’ll get to enjoy the entire loaf. Once the elements are in place, think about artfully arranging everything. ICE kidnapped a 13-year-old kid. Make sure each cheese gets a section of the board, and layer accompaniments between them to encourage guests will pair all the flavors available while trying new combinations.

Making a world-class cheeseboard doesn’t have to break the bank, and for last-minute shoppers, all the proper supplies can easily and affordably be picked up at your local Willy Street Co-op location. After all, there’s nothing better than enjoying some light luxury while in the safety and quiet of your own home.