Pleasure Practices with Sami Schalk: Alone time

Making time to just be.

Spring has officially arrived, and April is in full swing. Last month during spring break, I traveled a bit for some speaking engagements for work. I traveled a lot last year with my book tour but haven’t traveled much this year yet. Although I’m alone a lot in my everyday life in Madison (something I’m accustomed to and prefer), traveling alone is like a new level of alone. There are no house projects to work on and no kitchen to cook in, so I have more time to explore on my own. On my last trips I was really taking pleasure in being alone, from solo dinners to walking around by myself—even just people-watching and eating snacks in the Delta lounge on a particularly long layover. 

Not long ago, a report from the US Surgeon General was released that shows more people in our culture are lonely. I want to name and acknowledge this, because many feel or are alone, not by choice, and the experience is not pleasurable as a result. Chosen alone time is much different than the isolation produced by inaccessible environments, working multiple jobs with little time off, the expense of going/being out in the world, and other factors of our pandemic late-stage capitalist world. That’s real. And at the same time, I think some people don’t like being alone, because they feel like they need to constantly pack their schedule. Or it’s because being alone makes them be in their head in a way that is uncomfortable, as they associate being alone, especially romantically, as some sort of failure or a reflection of their value to others. If that’s you, this month’s pleasure practice might be more of a challenge than immediate pleasure. But I gently encourage you to keep reading nonetheless.

One time, when I was in grad school, I was at home one night reading a book alone when a friend who lived nearby knocked on the door. She said she saw my light on as she biked home from some event and wanted to say “hi.” She asked me what I was up to and what I had done that day. I told her “nothing, really.” I had made some food, watched TV, did my laundry, and was now reading for a class. She looked at me sort of confused and said, “So if I hadn’t dropped by, you wouldn’t have seen or interacted with anyone today at all?” I said “yes” and she replied “And you’re OK with that?” The question made me laugh because, as the only child of a single parent, I have spent a lot of time alone entertaining myself, often by reading. But the question also stuck with me, because it made me realize that some people don’t go a whole day being alone or at least don’t want to do that.

I’ve written here before about napping and the importance of rest, but I want to emphasize alone time this month as a related, overlapping pleasure practice. Intentionally getting alone time where you can just be—not be productive, just be—is a great way to allow yourself reflection, self-exploration and, of course, pleasure. I love the freedom and control I get with my alone time. There is so much rich pleasure for me in knowing I have a few hours or even a whole day to do whatever I want, including doing nothing at all.

Of course alone time is hard when you have young kids, roommates, or caregivers who are always or frequently around. That means alone time for you is even more precious and requires intentionality to make happen. But like so many pleasure practices, creating alone time can be scaled to fit your life. Here are a few suggestions:

• Sit in your car alone in silence (or with music if silence isn’t for you) for a few minutes before walking into work or back into your house at the end of the day.
• Take a slow, solo walk.
• Go to a park alone to sit, people-watch or commune with nature (I’m a fan of sitting someplace where I can look at the water).
• Take yourself out to a solo meal (combine this with the tip above for a solo picnic date).
• If you live with other people, find a time when everyone else is gone to be in your place alone for a set amount of time (or ask everybody to leave, lol).
• Take a longer than usual shower or bath.
• Take a solo vacation. I know this isn’t accessible for everyone for many reasons, but if you can travel alone sometime, I highly recommend it. As someone who occasionally gets recognized and who regularly runs into my colleagues and students while out in the world, there is something really delightful about being somewhere where no one knows me.

So this month, try working in a little intentional alone time into your life. See how it makes you feel. Notice the pleasures as well as any discomfort. Let yourself think and reflect on what’s coming up for you in your alone time, because even the hard stuff can be satisfying to work through. Pleasure practices, after all, are all about finding that sense of deep satisfaction. Until next time, you badass bitches!