Great Taste’s most ludicrous beer names, 2014 edition

The sublime poetry that is the “Bedwetter Barleywine,” and other silly beer names from the festival.

My friend Kyle, who knows a whole lot more about beer than I do, already wrote a great list of beers you shouldn’t miss if you’re going to the Great Taste of the Midwest and while that’s obviously required reading, it does little for the people who want nothing more than to populate their Untappd checkins with the beers that have the silliest names from the over one hundred fifty craft brewers that will be available to the 6,000 ticketed suds-lovers swarming all over Olin Park tomorrow.

Here’s a rundown of the top 10 most ridiculously named beers (along with their descriptions from the GTotMW app) followed by a breakdown of the next 15 runners-up broken into the categories of “Full Sentences,” “Double Entendres,” and “Pop Culture References.”

Happy drinkin’, folks!

THE TOP 10

2013 Bedwetter Barleywine, American Strong Ale, Pearl Street Brewery, La Crosse, WI

“Brewed with seven types of barley and two different hops, this strong ale is aged in our cellar for a full year before release.”

Ballsy move aligning your your beer with one of the more embarrassing (tho obviously not the most embarrassing) urological problems to ever face us beer lovers.

Biscuits & Glitter, American Pale Ale, Flat12 Bierworks, Indianapolis, IN

“Single hop Galaxy Pale Ale with Vanilla bean and Orange Peel. Think Dreamsicle.”

Sadly, the urban dictionary entry for “glitter biscuits” is a remarkably unfulfilling read with respect to this delicious-sounding beer.

Butterfly Flashmob, Belgian IPA, Solemn Oath Brewery, Naperville, IL

“A massive melange of citrus, tropical fruit, melon and floral aromatics balance a light malt sweetness in this hop forward Belgian Ale. Lively effervescence with assertive hop flavor and a dry finish.”

A beer that seemingly combines Bob Carlisle’s late 90s paean to father-daughter connectedness and one of the worst fads to come out of the aughts.

Chaotic Insecure Delusions, American Wild Ale, 2nd Shift Brewing, New Haven, MO

“The original 2nd Shift Barrel Aged Brett Beer. Put in barrel March 2012, Steve used multiple strains of Brettanomyces as well as Saccharomyces. Bottled Summer 2014, only 100 cases were bottled! Full mouthfeel, hint of pediococcus.”

Proof that opening the DSM-5 to a random page is and has always been one of the the best ways to name things.

Idiot Farm, American Double / Imperial IPA, Karben4 Brewing, Madison, WI

“Fruit juice hop sap.”

One of my favorite names, from one of my favorite local breweries, and featuring one of my favorite descriptions in the Great Taste program.

Irritated Koala, American Black Ale, Two Brothers Brewing Co., Warrenville, IL

“A black IPA with Lapsang Souchong, a smoked black tea.”

This beer doesn’t even have any eucalyptus in it, so if a koala were to drink it, the koala would become irritated. It all makes sense now!

Jazzberry, Fruit / Vegetable Beer, Rock Bottom Brewery, Milwaukee, WI

“Raspberry wheat.”

“The strawberries taste like strawberries! The jazzberries taste like jazzberries!”

Peach Kill All The Golfers, Mead, B. Nektar Meadery, Ferndale, MI

“Honey, Black tea, Lemon and Peach Tea.”

I’m tasting citrus notes with a juicy peach mouthfeel and an overwhelming hatred of the “the game of kings” finish.

Shark Meets Hipster, American Pale Wheat Ale, DryHop Brewers, Chicago, IL

“Our year-round offering. Light bodied Wheat IPA featuring truckloads of Galaxy hops. Expect strong notes of passion fruit.”

They’re obviously gunning for product placement in the eventual Syfy original “Sharknado: Kill All Hipsters”.

T-Rex Hugs, Abbey Ale, Atlas Brewing Co., Chicago, IL

“Defying stylistic categorization, this strong amber-brown ale was brewed with a moderate dose of dark Belgian candi syrup and fermented with saison yeast. Dried apricot, lemon zest and toffee notes culminate in a dry finish.”

T-rex Hugs sounds like the Threadless t-shirt of beer.
 

BEER NAMES THAT ARE FULLY FORMED SENTENCES:

Get Off My Porch, Preacher Man, Session Beer, New Albanian Brewing Co., New Albany, IN

“A recently brewed Session IPA, differing in grain bill and hop selection from our Get Off My Lawn, but not in overall sentiment. Served in a pin at the NABC booth.”

Ich Bin Ein Berliner Weisse, Berliner Weissbier, Blind Pig Brewery, Champaign, IL

“Our traditional Berliner Weisse was kettle soured with naturally occurring Lactobacillus. It’s gentle tartness, light body, and low alcohol make for a great summer refresher.”

Smells Like A Safety Meeting, American IPA, Dark Horse Brewing Co., Marshall, MI

“West Coast Style IPA. Take a Whiff for yourself.”

You Never Take Me Anywhere Nice, Czech Pilsner, Off Color Brewing, Chicago, IL

“Unfiltered, dry hopped pilsner.”
 

DOUBLE ENTENDRES:

Magnum XL, American Strong Ale, Olde Peninsula Brewpub, Kalamazoo, MI

“A hoppy Strong Ale that is brewed with 100% Magnum hops in the boil and dry hopped with 100% Crystal hops. A great balance of hops and malt that makes this beer go down way too easy for its strength!”

MILF, Russian Imperial Stout, Mother’s Brewing Co., Springfield, MO

“Chocolate, raisin strong stout aged in Bourbon, Rum, Brandy, Whiskey, and Sherry Barrels.”

Morning Wood, American Stout, Big Wood Brewery, White Bear Lake, MN

“The blast of coffee flavor in this beer will send you right back to this morning when you woke up, stretched, and thought ‘Hey, this is gonna be a great day!’ Morning Wood is brewed with Fuggle and Cascade hops and adds hints of oatmeal and chocolate to make every coffee-lover’s secret beer dreams come true. Morning Wood uses only fresh roasted Dunn Brothers Coffee Beans.”

Mr. Fister, Barrel Aged, Bock, Bluegrass Brewing Co., Louisville, KY

“A fantastic Helles bock made even better by aging it for six months in Four roses bourbon barrel.”
 

POP CULTURE REFERENCES:

Dark Helmet Schwartzbier, Schwartzbier, Titletown Brewing Co., Green Bay, WI

“This German-style black lager has a rich aroma of coffee, chocolate, caramel, and toasted malt, medium body, and roasty yet smooth finish. Bronze medalist in the Great American Beer Festival.”

McLovin, Irish Red Ale, Vintage Brewing Company, Madison, WI

“Repeatedly recognized as one of the world’s best Irish red ales reigning World Beer Cup silver medalist!”

Mistah Tea, American Amber / Red Ale, MobCraft Beer, Madison, WI

“Red ale infused with Black Tea.”

Reign In Blood, American IPA, Dark Horse Brewing Co., Marshall, MI

“IPA w/ Fresh Squeezed Blood Orange Juice.”

Schrute Farms, Fruit / Vegetable Beer, Right Brain Brewery, Traverse City, MI

“Beet Saison. Yes the color is all natural! Made with Detroit Beets and coriander. expect fruity Belgian notes along with an earthy and floral body.”

Sweep The Leg, American IPA, Pig Minds Brewing Co., Machesney Park, IL

“Citra and Simcoe Ale brewed for the hop heads and all the advocates.”

Wookie Snacks Black Rye, American Black Ale, Blind Pig Brewery, Champaign, IL

“Our Black IPA strikes just the right balance between roasted malts and piney hops. Roasted wheat malt, 12% rye malt, Chinook, Citra, and Centennial hops create the ultimate Chewbacca defence.”